I could so easily turn away. Especially now, when so little has been done by me with regards to my own kink. I could walk away from this blog and from thinking about kink altogether. I could forget everything and push all of these desires down. I could sink into a polite life of sexual and romantic “appropriateness”.
But I can’t or more correctly, I won’t.
I identify as a dominant woman because it is most real. Because a lot of other women won’ t or can’t due to the awful PR. I identify as a dominant woman because I want submissive men to know that there are women who find their sexualities desirable and compatible. I identify as a dominant woman and am proud to do so because I have nothing else to do and no other place to go. I don’t fit into the popular passive woman waiting for a rock stereotype.
I am a dominant and I cannot watch the devaluation of submissive men because in doing so society and the scene dismisses the kind of relationship I want to have with the kind of man I want to fall in love with. To walk away and drop my identifier is a disservice to them and to me.
Where are the dominant women? people ask…They’re possibly in hiding because they are so embarrassed by the current state of kink said Bitchy Jones. Probably. But we cannot be. We have to fix it and make it better and make it something to be proud of. I am proud of my kink. There’s nothing more beautiful that the dynamic between dominant and submissive. I want more women to admit that this turns them on. To not be afraid to take control because society tells them they shouldn’t or that they will look masculine if they do. Hell, I want society to stop splitting gender neutral sexual acts into male/female. I want to heal the hurt in submissive men’s hearts. Reassure them, tell them that what they do is beautiful and strong and makes a lot of women get all mushy. I’m a dominant woman because I want to shout “fuck you!” to gender stereotypes. I want to rail against the idea that the only way straight-cis people should be having sex is when the man is on top because it’s validation of his gender and a woman has to lie back and not enjoy herself but still have to fake orgasm in case she offends her male partner’s delicate ego. It needs to be okay to want things that are different, for things that the participants find a real and authentic expression of desire. There needs to be a place where there is interesting, thoughtful, funny, fun BDSM with a submissive man who is proud to be submissive. I want to be just one in a number of women who are dominant and comfortable with that. BDSM needs to be seen as loving an romantic not as some weird sexual deviation.
I’m a dominant woman because BDSM is not just sex. It’s emotional, too. It’s not just a strange sexual peccadillo favoured by ageing politicians. It’s not a halloween costume or a way of making a fictional character more “edgy”. That’s my fucking sexuality you’re tokenizing and I don’t like it. I can’t leave because there’s still so much work to do in making kink a place where I’m proud to be, where submissive men can feel safe and happy, where people don’t have to worry about not being kinky enough or too kinky. I want to be part of a culture where abuse and rape are called out and the perpetrators reviled and expelled not protected. I’m a dominant woman because this fight is still way too new to end. I don’t want to turn away because I’m so horribly embarrassed (and believe me, a lot of it is horribly embarrassing). Nope, not me. Because then those inside of the “scene” who would seek to keep it as an elite circle that protects their own have won. The people on the outside who denigrate BDSM practitioners as perverts or deviants have won. I cannot live in a world where my entire sexuality is denied and laughed at and the sexuality of the men I would love sees them laughed at and treated as “lesser” men because of it.
No. Fuck that. No way. Not happening.