I don’t know exactly where it begins. There is no monet of definite discovery for me. It wasn’t something that was suddenly there. It was much more subtle than that. sometimes I wonder if being part of all girls schooling and being raised in a very “male free” environment was whresponsible for bringing this out imn me, but in seriousness, ithink it is an idle fansasy. Other women go through that ad come out completely different. But all the way through puberty, men became placed on a pedestal. they were something that we all sought to catch and examine like some rare insect. Or, maybe, had I gone to a co-ed school it would have come out anyway in games of kiss chase or something. Who knows
I really only linked my fascination with men to my kink when I was older. I still love watching men write and squirm under my touch. It’s beautiful and I have been always, awestruck by my lovers. Each one different from the last, fascinating.
I am embarrassed by this because it plays into the cliche of man-crazy slut shaming and I really don’t want to be that. But, I digress, my kinkier desires were always around before I knew what they were – beofre I had any kind of vocabulary or concept of how sexual relations should be. They were merely an abstract set of desires that I knew felt good but I did not understand why. I could not understand it and I did not understand it. Even when I thought I understood what kink was I did not. In the beginning, when I learned there were names and images and a whole sexual subculture that seemed to offer what I wanted I tried to copy everything. I thought the only way I could be a “real” dominant was to adopt the cliche of boots and corsetry and deny all my own needs for whiny, wimpy guys with low self esteem. Ugh. When I was 18 there was nothing for me but the cliche of sex work -the professional dominatrix. There were no satisfying role models of kinky, female sexuality and I found myself in a strange place. A place where I knew I wanted those things but where I also felt totally disconnected from the scene that was on offer and the idea of the dominant woman it had.
In the past 18 months or so, there has been a really fantastic array of positive conversations about how kink works in real relationships. Where people stand equal with their lovers and do stuff because they like it in a way that is right for them. It’s tremendously freeing to watch. And yet, as I watch it, I am made acutely aware of just how far there is left to go. Of how much more there is left to do to promote the idea that kink is beautiful, romantic, sexy, healthy and normal.
That it doesn’t have to be the weird horror of cliche, that you can laugh when you do it and actually make it part of a healthy, balanced relationship. There doesn’t need to be cross dressing, boot licking or name calling.
I used to be afraid that no one would see my “tough dommeliness” because I was softly spoken and feminine. Because I saw kink as romantic. Now I know different and that I can and do work that to my advantage. And, damn, it’s hot. I used to be one of those girls who felt like she had to fit the stereotype in order to have her sexuality validated by her “tribe”. It was horrible. I went away from exploring kink for a long, long time. I forgot about it and all of the trouble I had had in trying to explain to poorly chosen vanilla guys that I wanted this and, maybe, they’d like to try it.
Over time, I realised that I can be whatever I want. I can define my own sexuality. It can be brutal and beautiful at the same time and those two ideas don’t have to be separate.
I feel that my heart is so full of love and nurturing that I cannot show a lover everything through the old romantic tropes. I feel better when I am in control sexually. I feel uncomfortably helpless when I am not. It is not enough to have flowers and dinner and breakable words. But, If I show him with pain, maybe he will understand how much I want him, how much I care.
I don’t understand why I find it hot. Who knows? Just do. Just right.
On an activism level, I wish I could do more. I wish I was more articulate. I wish there was more for young people of 15, 16, 17 who are just realising that this is something that they might be into but are barred from events because of their age and are stuck with shitty porn. I just hope sharing my story will get things moving and allow other people to share theirs. I hope we can talk and talk and talk until the fear and misconceptions are gone. And then we can all order pizza or something, safe in the knowledge that all of this whining was good for something.