I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently about what it is that I actually want. I know that it should seem pretty obvious what my sexual preferences are now, obviously, given that this is a BDSM blog. But I mean on a bigger, wider scale. Something I’m a little worried about is ending up meeting submissive guys who only see me for my kink not for me as a whole. I have already touched on this idea a little but I really feel that as I’m learning more and more about kink I’m also learning more about myself. I’m getting a better idea of what I actually want as opposed to what I think I should want. I am, at last, completely comfortable with my own sexuality and needs for now. I really think that people never stop evolving and that how I feel now is changeable.
So far, I’ve figured out the following:
I’m not looking for sexual intimacy. I can get that anywhere. if I wanted just that I go and get it. Sexual intimacy is pretty easy to find. What I really want, what everyone really wants, is emotional intimacy. To be able to be totally comfortable in another person’s company and be honest without fear of shaming or mockery. I know that’s hard to find but really I just want to feel safe.
Tenderness. Though I consider myself to be a pretty independent person when it comes to my work and social life and also someone who is not prone to sudden PDA’s I would like a little tenderness in my relationships. I would like small touches, smiles and kisses. I want to be told that I am loved and to tell that I know that sounds obvious if you’re romantically attached to someone and usually, it’s not something that one would even mention. However, I’m from a family where that just does. not. happen. Ever. Obviously, there’s a time and a place for everything and I’m not talking about necking at aunt Muriel’s funeral, but I’m a very tactile person, so i’d like to be able to touch and kiss my partner when I felt like it and not have him behave in a cold way. Because of the way I was raised, I’m still a little shocked-in-a-nice-way when men are kind and tender to their wives and girlfriends. Long story but I want it. Hell, I demand it.
To be seen for more than my kink. Yeah, I’m dominant, I’m sadistic when I want to be, but I’m also warm and open. I like walking and cycling. I’m a dog person. I am not someone’s vinyl clad fantasy. I’m not a blank sheet of paper that someone can just throw their fantasies at and expect them to be fulfilled. If/when I get involved with the kink scene and meet someone, I’ve toyed with the idea of putting a kink ban on things for at least a month just so we can get to know each other. We live in such a sexualized culture that often, actually liking someone gets forgotten. I’m not talking about being romantically attracted to someone, but really liking their personality for who they are. If you wouldn’t want this person as a friend, why would you date them?
All the things that aren’t on the Officially Approved How To Be A Dominant Woman list. You know what I’m talking about; romance, laughing, derping about like idiots, in jokes, P-i-V sex, kissing, snuggles.
It’s okay to be a dominant woman and be conventionally feminine. I always used to have a problem with the way that dominant women were so often represented as bisexual. Often pro-dommes would be lesbians and everything would be wrapped up in a shiny, impenatrable layer of butch snarling. It all played very nicely into the whole gender reversal that BDSM is so dogged by. If submissive men are all a bunch of sissies then it follows that dominant women must all be a bunch of growling man haters. Slowly, through much reading and thinking, I’ve managed to redefine dominance so that it fits into my otherwise old fashioned and conventional self image. I’m much softer, a carer. I like looking after people. Dominance fits into this for me, it’s not a strange add on to my personality but a blended, natural part of it. I see my dominance as something that is nurturing and caring and sexually assertive and brutal.
I think understanding what one wants and then making kink work for you and your sexuality is something which needs to be shown more. I hate the way that I and so many other women (and men) came to kink thinking it was an elaborate costume and set of behaviours one hand to adopt to have this flavour of sexuality justified. i also think it is why so many people think kink isn’t for them. It can be whatever you want – there’s not a wrong way of doing kink – only the way that is right for you.
I shall cry myself to oblivion because you are not a latex clad wonder woman.
/ boohoo
//sarcasm
You are on the right track Ms. If you can’t talk to the person next to you about every day things as well as intimate things for more then 5 minutes, what’s the point?
Sounds a lot like my list of what I want out of my relationship.
It took me a bit to sort out how much of the affection I wanted, especially in public, but I definitely think that’s a good thing to have on your list.
I support your kink ban for the first month, too. The weirdest part about meeting people in the kink scene is that you know all of their fetishes and sexual desires way before you know anything else about them. It’s taken me years to find out the same information about most of my friends-met-in-other-venues. It has always struck me as strange – not bad, necessarily, but it presents a whole new set of challenges that your kink ban might address.
Regarding the month kink ban policy: when does that month start?
I’m pretty old-fashioned, and sort of think that I’m not going to kiss anyone till the third date (this hasn’t always been the case, but that’s the ideal.)
I feel like once a relationship is official (also ideally a third date discussion) and a couple is comfortable expressing affection, then if it’s intended to be a D/s relationship that would be about the same time I would expect to also have some expressions of that dynamic.
The little romantic things I posted about almost certainly.
Waiting a month after deciding to be a couple, for the relationship to reflect the fact that you’re a D/s couple seems like it’s try my patience. Though admittedly that’s always been a lacking quality of mine.
It wouldn’t take much to send me over the moon, but pretending for a whole month that I don’t want to be told what to do, would be agonizing.
I think I haven’t made myself clear enough in saying what I did and, on further reflection, might need to redefine it a bit. When I said kink ban what I really meant was kinky sex not any other romantic aspect of kink. I’m also a firm believer in being totally honest from the start in explaining to potential partners that I am dominant. Once we have decided that we’re in a relationship then, of course, all of the romantic things are on the menu. That’s fine. Kissing, touching and the D/s dynamic are all exactly what I want from the word go. What I don’t want, and what I’m worried about if I meet someone who I know is submissive is that our relationship becomes nothing else but sexual. Therefore, a period of time – say a month – where we actually get to know each other first. In reality, that period of time may be longer for me or it may not, but I would say the very minimum would be a month. I don’t want to pretend that my SO and I are not a D/s couple because by our very nature, we are, but I do want us both to remain fully clothed at first so sex isn’t the most important thing on the table and we see if we are actually compatible in other ways too.
Well, then that sounds like a perfectly sound policy to me.
Sex itself, is something that requires a certain amount of trust and understand to be great, and in power exchange and a month seems like the absolute minimum time a couple might need to build that trust and understanding.
I love that you’ve figured this out for yourself at such a young age… I’m more than double your age and was not as self-aware in my 20s as you are.
Being a female and being dominant does NOT have to mean that we can’t also be tender and gentle and (shudder to write it) soft. Feminine.
I agree with your ban. I disagree with putting a timeline on it. I think you should introduce your kink when it’s right for you and your partner. Honesty at the onset of the relationship is a must, but a month minimum (depending on how much time you spend together during that month) will tell you what he’s really there for…
I only recently found your blog and have been very much enjoying your Sven and Mimi stories and your voice. Thank you for sharing.
Calla,
thank you for your thoughts. I do think its important to get to know someone before becoming intimate – be that kinky or vanilla or both – and really, most people can be judged by what they do not by what they say so you’re probably right about that month. Also, I’m glad you enjoy my stories. Thanks.
where does a submissive man go to find the connection you describe
We all just have to get out there and look, I’m afraid. No different to vanilla dating. Good luck!