I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently about what it is that I actually want. I know that it should seem pretty obvious what my sexual preferences are now, obviously, given that this is a BDSM blog. But I mean on a bigger, wider scale. Something I’m a little worried about is ending up meeting submissive guys who only see me for my kink not for me as a whole. I have already touched on this idea a little but I really feel that as I’m learning more and more about kink I’m also learning more about myself. I’m getting a better idea of what I actually want as opposed to what I think I should want. I am, at last, completely comfortable with my own sexuality and needs for now. I really think that people never stop evolving and that how I feel now is changeable.
So far, I’ve figured out the following:
I’m not looking for sexual intimacy. I can get that anywhere. if I wanted just that I go and get it. Sexual intimacy is pretty easy to find. What I really want, what everyone really wants, is emotional intimacy. To be able to be totally comfortable in another person’s company and be honest without fear of shaming or mockery. I know that’s hard to find but really I just want to feel safe.
Tenderness. Though I consider myself to be a pretty independent person when it comes to my work and social life and also someone who is not prone to sudden PDA’s I would like a little tenderness in my relationships. I would like small touches, smiles and kisses. I want to be told that I am loved and to tell that I know that sounds obvious if you’re romantically attached to someone and usually, it’s not something that one would even mention. However, I’m from a family where that just does. not. happen. Ever. Obviously, there’s a time and a place for everything and I’m not talking about necking at aunt Muriel’s funeral, but I’m a very tactile person, so i’d like to be able to touch and kiss my partner when I felt like it and not have him behave in a cold way. Because of the way I was raised, I’m still a little shocked-in-a-nice-way when men are kind and tender to their wives and girlfriends. Long story but I want it. Hell, I demand it.
To be seen for more than my kink. Yeah, I’m dominant, I’m sadistic when I want to be, but I’m also warm and open. I like walking and cycling. I’m a dog person. I am not someone’s vinyl clad fantasy. I’m not a blank sheet of paper that someone can just throw their fantasies at and expect them to be fulfilled. If/when I get involved with the kink scene and meet someone, I’ve toyed with the idea of putting a kink ban on things for at least a month just so we can get to know each other. We live in such a sexualized culture that often, actually liking someone gets forgotten. I’m not talking about being romantically attracted to someone, but really liking their personality for who they are. If you wouldn’t want this person as a friend, why would you date them?
All the things that aren’t on the Officially Approved How To Be A Dominant Woman list. You know what I’m talking about; romance, laughing, derping about like idiots, in jokes, P-i-V sex, kissing, snuggles.
It’s okay to be a dominant woman and be conventionally feminine. I always used to have a problem with the way that dominant women were so often represented as bisexual. Often pro-dommes would be lesbians and everything would be wrapped up in a shiny, impenatrable layer of butch snarling. It all played very nicely into the whole gender reversal that BDSM is so dogged by. If submissive men are all a bunch of sissies then it follows that dominant women must all be a bunch of growling man haters. Slowly, through much reading and thinking, I’ve managed to redefine dominance so that it fits into my otherwise old fashioned and conventional self image. I’m much softer, a carer. I like looking after people. Dominance fits into this for me, it’s not a strange add on to my personality but a blended, natural part of it. I see my dominance as something that is nurturing and caring and sexually assertive and brutal.
I think understanding what one wants and then making kink work for you and your sexuality is something which needs to be shown more. I hate the way that I and so many other women (and men) came to kink thinking it was an elaborate costume and set of behaviours one hand to adopt to have this flavour of sexuality justified. i also think it is why so many people think kink isn’t for them. It can be whatever you want – there’s not a wrong way of doing kink – only the way that is right for you.