It’s Okay to be a Submissive Man.

It’s true. Really. Ignore the people who would try to devalue submission.They don’t know what it takes to submit. There are women out there that want submissive men, that think submission is the sexiest thing ever. It doesn’t matter what you look like. What matters is that you are good and kind and respectful. That you see the woman who would be your dominant as human with their own emotions and needs. Submission should not be weakness, it isn’t. It should never be self loathing or come from low self esteem. Hone it, develop it. Make it count.

Recently, after posting a some stories over on Literotica, I received a few emails from submissive men who appreciated the way I’d put forward an actual couple in a loving romantic relationship that also happened to be D/s. I started writing these stories for a bit of fun. They weren’t anything serious. But these responses really made me realise just how much postive examples of D/s F/m relationships are needed. It’s hurting submissive men immesurably, dominant women too, turning the kind of relationships that we would seek into myth and fantasy, not a real possibility.

I’ve always known, but seeing first person accounts of how their submissive desires made them feel bad about themselves, how they thought they’d never find anyone. I wish there was a way I could make everything better. But there is so much pain, so that ultimately what happens is that some (not all) submissive men end up angry and passive aggressive. They hate that they’re submissive because it has affected their entire lives and yet, they need it -it’s a part of them, who they are and there’s never really any running away from it.

There are women who would maybe, in some other life try to be dominant and yet, they’re frightened away by a small handful of submissive men who are essentially sad, angry and confused inside. Is it any surprise when submissive men are so often treated with derision and at worst, disgust?

Of course, many more don’t react like this – it’s only a small group giving a bad name to the rest. But these men still feel as if they are expected to conform to the rigid standards of the man box. Which, inevitably they don’t fit into because, who the hell does? They’re afraid that their submission makes them weak, they’re told this not only by mainstream culture but also by the very scene that is meant to protect them, the place where they should feel safe and proud.

I think a big problem here is that not enough is being done to show F/m relationships for what they can be – just like any other – filled with other common interests, romance, fun, laughter. It doesn’t have to be all so serious.

Well, here’s a post that says so, from a woman that’s dominant. I’ve said before that there are probably a whole lot more women that are dominant too but many of them probably don’t realise it yet because they’ve never seen how fun, how sensuous and sexy it can be. They’ve never realised what is missing. There are probably women who know that something doesn’t feel right but they can’t work out what. I know it. I was one once.

There’s no shame in being submissive. It takes guts to admit these desires and to chase after what you want. A coward would live a lie, hide away. Breaking free from socially prescribed expectations and going after what you want is not weak. If a man got a bloody nose from fighting, or scratches and bruises from mountain climbing or football he’d be seen as manly and strong. How is masochism any different? Is sex really so different from sport? Does it have to be? Isn’t servitude wonderful? Isn’t it better to give than to receive, after all? Isn’t providing happiness for someone you care for the epitome of romance?

It’s tough, but can you imagine what could be possible if all submissive men were proud and totally comfortable with their submission? If submission was shown as something that was really as brave and sexy as many dominant women think it is? Yes, people are people, things are never as easy as that, and it’s just a hypothetical question. But imagine if it didn’t have to be? Submission is just that, it’s a part of so many men in the way that dominance is a part of so many women but it’s misunderstood,destroyed by society’s stupid gender expectations. Submission isn’t something that most submissive men can switch off, it’s part of them and there’s no shame in it. It’s beautiful.

25 thoughts on “It’s Okay to be a Submissive Man.

  1. Pingback: submissive me | Unraveling MaríMar

  2. Hello.

    I discovered your blog only very recently. I’ve never commented, but now that I’ve had the chance to look it over a bit, there’s just something I wanted to say.

    Thank you. Seriously, thank you so much for writing this.

    I suppose I should give some background; I’m a college student who’s had submissive feelings for years… all the way since puberty, I’d estimate. I can’t count the number of times I’ve gone to sites and blogs on the topic of relationships in which the woman is dominant and the man is submissive. None of those sites, however, made me feel better about my submissive feelings; in fact, they made me feel worse. I felt guilty for going to them, which effectively made me feel guilty of my feelings. I would be presented with one description of a couple, and become convinced that that’s how all such relationships had to be. From what I was reading, I became convinced that submission was a sacrifice of one’s freedom. I found this abhorrent – I believe my freedom is what defines me as a human being, and to sacrifice that, I felt, would be to make myself into something less than human. At the same time, I still wanted it. I wanted to be in a female-dominant/male-submissive relationship, to be a part of something, in real life, that I’ve only felt before through a computer screen. Eventually, I convinced myself that I could never be in any romantic relationship at all – either I would end up dissatisfied and dishonest with my partner, or I would lose my strongest tie to humanity, and degrade into something that isn’t me.

    But your blog… yours is the first I’ve ever seen to tell me that there are women who think submissive men are “sexy”, and that “it takes guts to admit these desires and to chase after what you want”. I’d never once thought of my submission as a positive character trait. The strongest statement, though, has to come from the title itself “It’s Okay to be a Submissive Man”. Rather than depicting submissive men as weak, spineless servants, you see the strength and bravery in them – you treat submissive men as the human beings they are.

    Thanks to reading this, I believe I can finally reconcile my submission and my humanity. Maybe submission isn’t a sacrifice of freedom, but an exercise of freedom – the freedom of both parties to be in the style of relationship they want, regardless of society’s demands. While I believe I can live moderately happily without being in a relationship, I also believe that being the submissive partner in a romantic and sexual relationship would make my life more satisfying and “whole”. I may try to suppress it, but it is something I want; likely, it is something I’ll always want, until I have it. While I’m not in a relationship now, I would some day like to be the submissive man in a relationship with a dominant woman. Of course, I recognize that it can’t be “about” the dominant-submissive dynamic – first and foremost, it must be a relationship in which we both love and respect one another, in which we both want to be together. Your blog has taught me that this is possible – that the feelings I’ve been tormented with for years may someday become reality. It has made me feel about myself, as well as any relationship I might have, in a completely different way. It’s made me happy.

    Once again, thank you so much.

    • Ben, thank you so much for commenting. This is exactly why I wrote this post. Your story is very moving and I just hope that others can read it and take strength from it. It’s totally fine to be submissive and I hope that more men can see this and realise that their submission is beautiful.

      • LipstickAndLigature,

        Thank you very much for reading my comment, and for replying to it. It’s nice to speak my thoughts aloud, but it’s even better to be heard.

        What I wrote, in my comment, is something I’ve never composed before. I’ve never written it down, I’ve never spoken about it with anyone else, I’ve never shared it on the Internet. I’ve thought about it before, of course, but only in bits and pieces – never in the form of the “whole” you read above. A part of me is still surprised that I wrote it all out at all. Yet, having looked it over, I can safely conclude that what I wrote in my comment was not just my feelings of the moment, but an expression of how I really feel in my day-to-day life.

        Maybe it’s what you said, or maybe it’s how you said it, or maybe it’s the result of what’s going on right now in my own life. Whatever it is, I’ve finally managed to speak my mind, and give words to who I am. And your blog is to thank for that.

        Thank you for saying the words I’ve always wanted to hear, and for helping me to say the words I’ve always held inside, even if I haven’t known it until now.

  3. Ironically, I came over to your blog from your lovely comment on my ‘beauty of submissive men‘ project, and then I read this which segues smoothly into my ‘beauty of submissive men’ project, where you commented on how much you liked it, and from which I would follow the comment over here where I would find this, which fits in perfectly with my…

    *head explodes*

    Coincidentally complementary timing!

    Ferns

  4. I wish it was ok. People would laugh at me at work.

    Aside from that, I am probably one of those angry guys you are thinking of. I don’t see the dominant women out there. Also, I don’t see them posting on sort of vanilla sites looking for something in maybe a tasteful code word like, I like to be in control, I like leather, etc.

    Another thing I don’t see are the Shades of Gray where the woman is dominant.

    What I get are …

    No replies

    When I send an email to someone on a site or a few times when they contact me, again, no reply.

    • Sdw, it is okay. Ignore what other people think. I know it’s hard but I sincerely believe that we make our own change. That’s why I started blogging. I didn’t see any positive representations of dominant women either. I suspect that the women who think they’d like to be dominant are in the exact same place as the men who think they’d like to be submissive in a relationship: confused and alienated because of the lack of positive imagery. With regards to dating, it’s a tricky situation. On one hand, one wants to date someone that shares our interests and world views outside of kink but at the same time, kink is an integral part of our sexuality. It’s difficult to know whether to go onto vanilla dating sites or ones aimed specifically at kinky people. While these may cater to our sexual tastes they don’t cater to much else. Your comment highlights another problem dominant/submissive people face. There’s definitely a need for better representations of dominant women in mass culture that’s for sure. Maybe then, things would get better.

  5. There’s the next topic for you: It’s OK to be a dominant woman. (Maybe you have already covered this topic in your post on Femininity) I appreciate your thoughtful posts very much, and I thank you for giving voice to so many people who have not had a voice.

    I struggle every day with a society that says that I, as a Black woman, am “Too bossy, too aggressive, too emasculating” (to those delicate flowers that are Black men) too…everything! I have finally come to accept myself that yes, I am bossy and pushy and assertive. I am also loving and friendly and funny and nurturing. It just took me several decades to learn and accept myself just as I am, and to find a husband and several submissive friends who appreciate those things about me.

    I adore your blog, and I adore the mind behind it. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

    • MsNayadi, thank you so much for your kind words. I felt for so long that very few people were saying the things that I felt inside and now that I am saying them in my corner of the internet, it is pretty evident that many, many women feel the same. It is scary and tough to be an assertive and dominant woman when society tells us otherwise, but the benefits eclipse the whining types who would see us do otherwise. I just hope more women realise this too! Thank you.

  6. I completely agree with all that you are saying. In my normal life everyone is always telling me that i’m a beast and monster(positive compliments about my strength not the negative connotation), but all I want to do is make my girl friend and hopefully someday my wife happy. I am not a wimp, in most of the femdom porn that I’ve seen its a strong man who gets dominated not a wimp. I fail to see how letting your partner do what ever they want to you makes you a wimp, it takes an incredable amount of love, respect, and trust.

    • Exactly Adam, this is just what I believe. Submission is very strong, one could even argue that men who do this are just a little more manly. I think we should see it as a strength not a weakness. :) But hey, maybe I’m biased.

  7. I was washing dishes for my mum once and my sister said I shouldn’t be washing dishes like a girl. That’s when I realised societies got an issue with submissive guys. I mean seriously. A son washing dishes for his mum who btw has been in heart surgery not very long ago is a wimp? It makes you think maybe you’re not the one with the problem.

    • Oh Haich, that’s crazy. There are definitely a lot of awful stereotypes in mainstream society with regards to “men’s work” and “women’s work”. I’m from a similarly minded family so I know what you mean.

      • It’s weird because my sister is the last person in my family I thought would say something like that. But I guess when she saw me doing the dishes it just looked wrong to her. I don’t know though I reckon it’s stupid, if a guy wants to wash some dishes don’t give him crap about it. Anyway yeah, if I have a wife I want her to not be afraid to order me around if she feels like it.

      • Hey Haich,

        Who knows how people feel huh? people can be so set in gender roles. Anyway, I’m sure there are plenty of women out there who will be more than happy to have their dishes washed and be ordered about.

  8. I have been ashamed of my submissiveness as most of you have. Now i have found the perfect wife. I am the breadwinner i am the boss in everyday life but when the kids go to bed and our bedroom door is shut i am what ever she says i am. Its great and it is an excellent expression of freedom. Hang in there guys there are women who will love you and cherish your submissiveness.

  9. thank you so much for your views … today i found that my views about sex are quite different from my fellow friends and whole day i was searching for such artciles and i was feeling so ashamed of myself .. so negative …. but your blog made me feel a little better . and i am a student and i am not able to study and focus since i came to know about that my submissive nature isn’t so common …. but thank you so much for encouragement .. please keep posting more. thank you again and yes duke isn’t my real name :P

    • Hold your head up duke. I think subbmisiveness in men is more common than you think. Its admitting it thats not common. I have found alot of women love it also just give them an inch and they will take the entire mile it may be slowly but they will take more and more until you are the bitch you want to be. So give her an inch and be patient.

  10. i don’t feel ok with my submissiveness. shame seems to be my life partner. I also am lacking in confidence. i think these two problems are connected.
    when i saw ‘confidence’ on the list of attractive qualities my heart sank. i don’t know anyone who is attracted to a lack of confidence and i don’t know how to develope this quality. how did you get to be such a confident person? i would sure like to know your secret.

    • There’s no secret. Fake it until you make it is the usual. Everyone has down days and that’s okay. Confidence is sexy and before you can have meaningful relationships with others you have to love yourself first. Take time to know yourself and remember to tell yourself that you are important and as valuable as anyone else. It takes time but you can do it. Good luck.

  11. Thank you for writing this. How I wish I could have read something like this 25 years ago.

    The fact that there are people like you in the world fills me with hope. Please keep blogging, I’m sure there are many like me who appreciate you and your writings, even if just a few say “thank-you”.

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