Where are the Dominant Women? Right Here.

I could so easily turn away. Especially now, when so little has been done by me with regards to my own kink. I could walk away from this blog and from thinking about kink altogether. I could forget everything and push all of these desires down. I could sink into a polite life of sexual and romantic “appropriateness”.

But I can’t or more correctly, I won’t.

I identify as a dominant woman because it is most real. Because a lot of other women won’ t or can’t due to the awful PR.  I identify as a dominant woman because I want submissive men to know that there are women who find their sexualities desirable and compatible. I identify as a dominant woman and am proud to do so because I have nothing else to do and no other place to go. I don’t fit into the popular passive woman waiting for a rock stereotype.

I am a dominant and I cannot watch the devaluation of submissive men because in doing so society and the scene dismisses the kind of relationship I want to have with the kind of man I want to fall in love with. To walk away and drop my identifier is a disservice to them and to me.

Where are the dominant women? people ask…They’re possibly in hiding because they are so embarrassed by the current state of kink said Bitchy Jones. Probably. But we cannot be. We have to fix it and make it better and make it something to be proud of. I am proud of my kink. There’s nothing more beautiful that the dynamic between dominant and submissive. I want more women to admit that this turns them on. To not be afraid to take control because society tells them they shouldn’t or that they will look masculine if they do. Hell, I want society to stop splitting gender neutral sexual acts into male/female. I want to heal the hurt in submissive men’s hearts. Reassure them, tell them that what they do is beautiful and strong and makes a lot of women get all mushy. I’m a dominant woman because I want to shout “fuck you!” to gender stereotypes. I want to rail against the idea that the only way straight-cis people should be having sex is when the man is on top because it’s validation of his gender and a woman has to lie back and not enjoy herself but still have to fake orgasm in case she offends her male partner’s delicate ego. It needs to be okay to want things that are different, for things that the participants find a real and authentic expression of desire. There needs to be a place where there is interesting, thoughtful, funny, fun BDSM with a submissive man who is proud to be submissive. I want to be just one in a number of women who are dominant and comfortable with that. BDSM needs to be seen as loving an romantic not as some weird sexual deviation.

I’m a dominant woman because BDSM is not just sex. It’s emotional, too. It’s not just a strange sexual peccadillo favoured by ageing politicians. It’s not a halloween costume or a way of making a fictional character more “edgy”. That’s my fucking sexuality you’re tokenizing and I don’t  like it. I can’t leave because there’s still so much work to do in making kink a place where I’m proud to be, where submissive men can feel safe and happy, where people don’t have to worry about not being kinky enough or too kinky. I want to be part of a culture where abuse and rape are called out and the perpetrators reviled and expelled not protected. I’m a dominant woman because this fight is still way too new to end. I don’t want to turn away because I’m so horribly embarrassed (and believe me, a lot of it is horribly embarrassing). Nope, not me. Because then those inside of the “scene” who would seek to keep it as an elite circle that protects their own have won. The people on the outside who denigrate BDSM practitioners as perverts or deviants have won. I cannot live in a world where my entire sexuality is denied and laughed at and the sexuality of the men I would love sees them laughed at and treated as “lesser” men because of it.

No. Fuck that. No way. Not happening.

23 thoughts on “Where are the Dominant Women? Right Here.

  1. LeanMeanSexMachine

    Word, girl.
    I must reply and say: I am indeed dominant – not going all the way but I´m tending towards the more dominant side and since about two months I am one of these very few lucky women who are in a relationship where everything makes sense in a sexual way. I enjoy spending my time with a man who doesn´t consider his tendencies as a “weak” spot in his character… We´re in this very exciting phase where we explore each others fantasies and it´s liberating to experience that there are people out there who seem to fit exactly in what I find arousing…. there´s no way that that is something disturbing or something to not talk about. It´s something to be proud of and to be happy and to tell…
    Sending love from my to your computer.

    Love your site, btw. ;)

  2. Yes! where is my dominate women?? Oh yeah beaten down for years by men/society. Men who abused the pretty little girl by the age of 9 show their male sides touching the pretty little girl asking her doesn’t that feel good (hum what?) rubbing her private area. As the little girl grows up she not sure what the hell sex is really suppost to be ?? She grows up in the vanilla life style thinking is this all there is being used for a mans fucking statisfactions be it sex, house work, cooking etc… Well one day the littlegirl/women meets a man becomes friends<yeah friends and begins to tell her of his D/S lifestyle he is living with his submissive lady. As he explains the submissives part his dominate position she becomes intrigued… so she said show me, teach me tell me! After a few weekends of playing the submissive she asking can we switch you be the sub I'll be the domme (he tells her I wouldnt do this for any other women)…. after the first few times of this play her mind completely opens wide WOW ! she no longer aloud him to no sooner get in the door and ordered him to get on his knees and crawl to her and beg to ??? then she knew. This is who I am I am the Dominate Women. Mistress Lacey

  3. Ha, I was staring to think that I can only find submissive women, but this make me think different! I am male and submissive, and am proud to be so. Leather bondage turns me on, and I’m not hesitant to say it. :D

  4. clay

    really liked your post. I am submissive deep in my being , although its not something to share publicly I’m to aware how unacceptable it would be , Not to me but the damage would be felted in every area of life that i must live, family, busy , friend ect. I hate this internet shit , just wish it was like boy meets girl and real love and excitement for each other is born but that fairy land


  5. xpressions1979

    Wow I’m so amaze that women like you and I really exist…I’m 33 years old and been feed up not to be able to explore my real sexual thoughts against men and what kinky stuff I want to do to them, I really thought something was wrong with me! But. I just told my man what I was thinking n he is all for it….YAEEE for me , now our relationship in on 1000% better than any man I’ve ever been with …he appreciates the fantasy we share and my dominate nature….and I Love him much more because of that…

  6. Era

    Hey I am also a submissive male and I like it when women are proud to say they are dominant there are so many that are submissive and tell people like me we are weak because we should be dominant towards them so this helps me out too thanks :)

  7. joe

    i am a submissive male and i am glad that a dominate female actually can let it be known that she has these veiw points and understands where us submissive men come from I only wish i could meet a lady like you to serve

      1. wistful

        Look where? Most of the dommes advertising on the web seem to be either fakes or grifters or prefer to top other women. That goes double for the ones I think I’d actually care to touch or even look at. (*shudder*)

      2. The problem for both men and women seems to be just this: finding someone who is genuinely interested in a relationship and honestly, I don’t have much of a satisfying response other than be realistic and keep looking. I feel completely the same quite a lot of the time.

  8. Trish

    I am a dominate woman also. There is more and more of us now. It is society’s programing that has said submissive men are not attractive.

    I completely disagree with that.

    I think a lot of women are timid to publicly seek submissive men. Because of the men and women privy to the situation. They don’t want to be the sub she sought to find too her friends and family.

    Most women want their man to be as macho and manly as their girlfriends husbands. It is the competition factor. It is so stupid.

    We need to put submissive men up on the pedestal they belong on . so society will see them for what they really are.

    It took my husband to change my views. He was very dominate when we were first together. After years and years of us being together he changed.

    He had said before with me being a few years older than he , that at times he felt I was dominate to him. I thought this was untrue .

    He always felt that I was dominate to him. I didn’t try to be. I am a few years older than him. He is helping to raise my daughter from a previous relationship This does slowly start to add up. With hind sight I see the beta male qualities.

    Most dominate men wouldn’t take a girlfriend with a toddler. He loves my daughter and raises her well.

    Submissive men are truly something to be praised. They are not afraid to show their hearts. They are real men.

    It took a submissive man for my daughter to have a father.

    i found out that I am strong. I am dominate. I was just programed by society .

    I love how I feel about myself now.

    I love my husband for helping me see how powerful I am.

    As dominate women lets take care of our submissive men.

    We should educate the people close to us. We should defend their place in society.

    I want my daughter to find a husband as great as her step dad. I have started to educate her about this.

    As women we need to educate the women around us. Our daughters , our sisters and friends deserve to have what we have.

    Our men have evolved to be submissive. They aren’t the neanderthal’s most men still are.

    Why should we let the women around us be the equivalent of those neanderthal men.

    1. Thank you for your comment! I think men now need a revolution as women had to break away from the harmful stereotypes that many feel pressured into adopting. Your story is lovely and it’s great to see that you and your love have found happiness together. As for submissive men, we surely do need to shout their brilliance from the rooftops.

      1. I think that within this enclave of sexuality – and in life – there are alwasy good people and bad people. That’s just how it goes. You just have to try and surround yourself with as many of the good ones as possible and discard the rest.

      2. Well Trish, your answer could be right in some cases… but you don’t lable a person as domineering based on the things they say or how they say things ….when you have never seen them in their home interact act with a submissive…

  9. aetren

    Thank you. A thousand times, thank you. I can’t describe eloquently enough how reading your post has made me feel. All my life, as far back as I can remember, I have struggled with torrential bouts of self loathing and worthlessness. I’ve always thought of my submissiveness as something to be ashamed of, an unwanted facet of my being, emasculating and perverted. In every sense, utterly wrong. But reading your thoughts here gives me hope that maybe I could be beautiful to the right Lady, one day. Thank you.

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